Gueto's Ghetto

Ladies, ladies, ladies, that's correct it's the Master O' Love, the Pleaser O' Poontang, and yes, the Knocker of Nani! Uh huh. I hear the applause, it's Biggie!

Dear Biggie, What is the difference between making love and getting it on? - BAT

Well BAT, thank you for your question, it is a very good one, and since yours was the only email I received I will go into some detail. Making love and getting it on are at opposite ends of the sexual spectrum (App. 1) as you will soon see, yet some uninformed people (yourself included) still do not understand the true differences, let me try to help you.

When it comes to making love with your honey there are usually three required elements: soft romantic mood music, candles (preferably unscented), and a dozen roses. Most of the time when two people make love they strive to make a connection with one another and to express deep emotional feelings for one another (aka love). As you can probably imagine this act is most likely played out by couples that are dating and newlyweds, but may also include old divorcees (I won't even go there). The missionary position is most likely the position of choice because it's easy, and lets face it making love is weak. Making love includes only one partner (forever), usually lasts for hours, is done only once per evening, the next morning the two individuals wake feeling closer to each other, talk all mushy, and then have breakfast in bed (it's so lame - except for the breakfast). I prefer toast, orange juice, a couple of, darn I'm sorry, back to the question. Ummm, yes, making love it's lame. Long-term relationships usually result when couples regularly engage in this activity and again it's lame. In summary, it's lame.

Getting it on, I believe, does not express the true essence of the act which it describes. Therefore, I like to refer to it as "Skanking your woman hardcore." For the act to occur there are also requirements (as with making love), these include: a six pack of Natural Light, a complete stranger that you met 20 minutes ago, and the bathroom of the nearest gas station (musical styles may vary but 80's soft rock is quite prominent), OR, your honey is just a "PHREAK" (in which case you have hurt your chances of becoming Biggielicious). When this act occurs humans are basically reduced to acting like rabbits on crack. "Skanking your woman hardcore" or "skanking" may include different partners every weekend, usually it lasts maybe 7 minutes at the most, but usually takes place multiple times during an evening, it includes more advanced positions (doggy, riding, wheelbarrow, etc. - very nice), and the next morning (assuming your woman is still there) you greet her with "What the (your favorite explitive) are you still doing here?" This act does not ever lead to long-term relationships, yet keeps your options open six months down the road when you are alone with $7.25, and a need for a woman while writing your sex column…darn there I go again…back to the column Biggie, simply because once you skank a woman you can skank her again at just about any time in the future with a simple phone call (plus you don't have to spring for breakfast).

App. 1 Sexual Spectrum (from boring to fun)

Making love…..Progression Sex.….Having Sex.….College Sex.….Skanking

Thank you everyone for your (1 email) this week, you really need to do better next week, so until then continue to wonder under the cover.

-Biggie